High Pitch vs. High Rich

During my marathon session I was sitting at the table (the one with Jason Collins) stacking my chips when a girl comes up behind me.

“Hey Kevin, how are you doing tonight?”

I can recognize that voice anywhere. I’m not knocking her personality, but the voice is just crazy nasty ugly annoying. Imagine if someone took seven rusty nails, mic’d them up on a high treble sound system and just raised hell on a chalk board. And then just for kicks, stuck a screaming newborn vulture in your ear that’s getting ass raped by a shroomed out Hyena.

That may have been a little extreme but now we’re even for the night she berated me as a donkey for 30 minutes. It’s the girl from USC that I’ve played with twice before. The first time we played, I put her on uber-tilt when I cracked her aces with 6c9c. The second time we played was this past Saturday night and once she remembered me, she was actually pretty cool and she wanted my grilled cheese if you know what I mean. Actually, she really ate half of my grilled cheese sandwich.

From here on out, she will be known as “High Pitch.”

Fast forward three hours. My table breaks and I end up on a new table with a couple guys that are dumping chips in some attempt to send themselves home by their wife’s curfew demand. High Pitch, who is somewhat of a ‘poker friend’ now, asks me how the table is and I told her it’s good. I would be regretting that decision later on in the night, although it was inevitable as there ended up being only one $200 game running.

So High Pitch sits down and on her right sits another guy that was playing with her at her other table. He has a huge stack, like $1200 or so. High Pitch has about $300 and is chasing her losses. Some loose guy blind raises to $20, big stack calls him and High Pitch raises to $150. Both players call and High Pitch says, “Let the bad beat begin.” I know High Pitch has KK or AA. They probably do too, but they both call her anyways. Flop comes King, Four, Jack, rainbow. High Pitch goes all-in and big stack calls with 44. She throws her aces on the table face up. Let the High Pitch whine fest begin. I can’t even go into the stupid reasoning that Big Stack was telling her, not to mention how she said she DIDN’T want him to call with pocket fours. She was so loud with her whining that the whole casino was looking at our table like it was infested with the bird flu. Her whining was so loud that it created a sound barrier around the table that the floorman was unable to infiltrate and tell her to STFU. I think the dealer applied for worker’s comp after going deaf in his right ear. So what happens? The Big Stack throws a $100 chip at her and says “Here, just shut the FUCK up.”

The worst part was that because she knows me, she was doing a lot of the whining to me and was not hearing the whole “You want pocket fours to call $150 pre-flop. He just got lucky.” She didn’t care. She was so mad that he called. High Pitch, please, stfu.

Not long after this treble storm, a guy sits down that I have seen playing before. Once when I was sitting at a different table, he runs to my table, gives everybody high fives and yells “I’m the best poker player in the world! I just won without looking at my cards! I don’t even have to look!”

This guy is about 45 years old and has a kool-aid smile on his face. He introduces himself to the table.

“Guys, I’m fucking ripped. This is gonna be fun.”

Damn, I love this guy already. We’ll call him High Rich. Because he’s high, and he’s rich.

First hand, he blind raises to $35. Everyone folds. Second hand, same thing. Third hand High Pitch calls him and he goes all-in on the flop blind. She folds. High Pitch is now frustrated but happy to have him at the table. Third hand he goes all-in blind for like $300 and I call with Queen-Jack and win when I hit the Queen on the flop.

Anyways, some time goes on and High Pitch is losing money. So she starts begging High Rich to play her head’s up. This is one greedy High Pitched B!t#$.

So High Rich, who is drunk and high off his ass agrees to play head’s up. Our whole table is pissed at High Pitch for taking him off the table. She’s on tilt and chasing her losses and basically acting desperate to get this guy’s money. And not only was High Rich easy money, but he was a friendly, hilarious guy who didn’t care about losing his money. He was going all-in blind and when he would win (or everyone would fold), he’d run around the table yelling about how he’s the best player in the world and no one will dare challenge him, then he suddenly says “reverse back-hand!” and does a phantom tennis backhand swing. I love him with all my heart.

But he is gone and playing High Pitch head’s up. He’s going all-in blind against her and she’s frustrated. She finally calls him with Jack-Ten suited and he shows 5-6 off-suit with one club. The board comes four clubs and he wins her money. Our table is laughing, hard. But she buys back in and works him down to $200 again when he gets tired of her. He’s there to have fun and she’s on tilt and whining about the 5-6 hand relentlessly so he just shoves his money at her and says “Here! You want my money! Just take it! I don’t want to play with you.” She looks like an asshole, gives him the money back and they end up back at our table.

High Rich sits directly on my left and High Pitch is directly on his left. They sit down and High Rich does two shots and drinks two Coronas. Then another guy offers him a shot of Patron. Bad idea. By the time the guy was done paying the waitress, High Rich had already downed his shot. He immediately had the look of someone who needed to hurl. I wasn’t too happy about this as I had a huge stack of chips in front and was directly in his line of fire. So I ordered him water and told the floorman to get a bag.

High Rich said it was a good idea and flicked $35 in the pot without looking at his cards because he was trying not to throw up. So what does High Pitch do?

“All-in.”

Everyone folds back to High Rich, who is struggling with himself and has no idea that High Pitch went all in. We attempt to inform him and the following ensues:

“What? She pushed all-in?! A re-raise over ME?! Didn’t she learn her lesson?! I’m the BEST! I’m going to teach her a lesson about re-raising!”

High Rich is holding his hand over his mouth and shoves the rest of his chips in with his other hand.

“Don’t re-raise me…EVER!”

The flop comes Jack, eight, jack and in one of his finest moments, High Rich forgets that he is on the verge of hurling, straightens up and says:

“I am the best poker player in the WORLD!”

He slams his pocket eights on the table.

“Why did you re-raise me?! I don’t want your money! You just keep giving it to me! Didn’t you know I’m the best player in the world? No one can beat me! Reverse back-hand!”

This was satisfying for the table to say the least. High Pitch is a very nice girl but she really deserved this one. It was kind of like when the Red Sox finally beat the Yankees and even those of us that aren’t Red Sox or Yankees fans were satisfied. It just felt right.

High Rich tipped the security guard $100 for no reason at all and left in a drunken blaze of glory. He easily went through $2k but left quite the legacy for those that witnessed the best poker player in the world and his superb backhand.

Numbers update:

Day one: +$570 (4 hours) (BR: $770)
Day two: +$629 (5 Hours) (BR: $1399)
Day three: +$240 (6 Hours) (BR: $1639)
Day Four/Five: +2383 (BR: $4022)
Day Six: Didn't play (0)

Total Hours: 34
Total Profit: $3822
Hourly rate: $112.41