Sober Me vs. Drunk Breezies

I don't even know how to describe my weekend.

Bad, ugly, worse, fun, great, solid, profitable.

Friday was my company Christmas party. Let's just say I wish I didn't go.

I'm going to try to wrap it up quickly because this story could take years:

Our company has a raffle every year and the grand prize or whatever you want to call it is a seven-day all expense paid trip to somewhere like Hawaii or Paris. This year I would have just left the party around 10:00 p.m. but they made us wait until midnight to see who won the grand prize.

So I'm sticking around just to see if I win the raffle when a situation comes up with a co-worker where I have to help out and take him home, meaning I wasn't even present for the raffle if I did win (which I didn't). The details of the story are definitely blog-worthy but since this happened at a work party I'm going to leave the details out. This was actually the biggest fiasco of the night but I'm going to leave it out to keep the involved parties in the clear. But the event pretty much killed the Christmas party for me.

After that we headed to Big Bank Frank's house for his Christmas party. The only problem was we got there too late and it was pretty much over.

In the meantime Young V is calling me telling me he has a passenger that I'm friends with that is extremely drunk and he doesn't know where she lives. Unfortunately I don't know her address but I know how to get to her spot so I told him to just drop her off at my house and I'll give her a ride home. So Corner Sleeper and myself get home and Trader Joe's calls me and is crying hysterically on the phone.

"Where are you?! I have to come over...now. Please, please, I need somewhere to go...when are you gonna be home?"

In the background I can hear a guy yelling at her:

"Bitch I ain't taking you nowhere! You better tell him to come pick you up here bitch!"

Wow.

I have no clue what's going on, I don't even know this girl that well so I told her I'm not home but I'll call her when I'm on my way.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that she said she was already "right by my house," which I don't like hearing because I'm in there already.

At this point V calls me and tells me he's also arriving to my apartment with our drunk friend. Great. I told V to circle around to the alley because I don't want to go out front, just in case Trader Joe's is out front with her gangster ass 'friend.' So V pulls up to the back, gets out and gets in the car that was following him, I hop in our friend's car to take her home with Corner Sleeper following us (are you following this?) so he can take me back home after I drop her and her car off.

The problem is she was one of those live drunks. Yes, that's confirmed...we got a live one. So when I'm driving down Venice she comes to the quick conclusion that she can drive her own car. She forgot the fact that she is in the passenger seat and starts yelling at me that she can drive and lunges for the steering wheel, trying to take control. Great. This is just what I need. So I'm fending her off with my right arm and steering with my left when she finally gives up on her attempt to drive the car from the passenger seat.

By the time we get to her apartment she is pretty frusty (frustrated). Her garage opener doesn't work so she throws it into the front window (yeah, from like a foot and a half away). Then she just starts throwing random items from her purse in the car. Interesting. I park as quickly as possible, hand her the keys to her car (which she throws in the car) and go out to meet with Corner Sleeper and head home.

As soon as I get in the car with Corner Sleeper, Trader Joe's starts blowing me up. She says that she's now by herself at the Carl's Jr. by my house. Despite the fact that I don't know her that well and don't want to get involved in any unnecessary drama (like I didn't already have my share tonight), the good guy deep down inside my heart feels bad for her. She's crying, she's drunk, she's outside of Carl's Jr. by herself and it's 3 a.m. However, there are several cars in the parking lot so Corner Sleeper and I are proceeding with extreme caution. We roll through the lot out of her sight and decide we need to park across the street at 7-11 and have her cross the street so we can determine if there are any cholos, crips or KKK clansmen trailing her.

She agrees and we see her stumbling to the corner or Sepulveda and Venice, which is a huge intersection. She has the red light.

"She's not gonna stop walking," CS says.
"Yes she is, look she's hitting the walk button," I reply.

I'm thinking there's no way she's going to stumble across Sepulveda when the light is red and there's traffic. Wrong.

She drunkenly strolls across Sepulveda carefree of any traffic that might be approaching, walks to the car and cracks a smile.

Corner Sleeper drops us off at my spot and we're just chillin when her 'cousin' calls her.

This is the conversation that took place:

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE ME MOTHERFUCKER?! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!...can you come pick me up?"

Okay, I need a time out, Baltimore Ravens style.

This guy was just cussing her out calling her a bitch, had her crying hysterically, left her on the street at 3 a.m. and now she is telling him to come pick her up at MY apartment ten minutes after I just saved her ass in my guest-starring role as Captain-Save-A-NOOOOO...??

Yes.

"You better walk your ass down to Venice because there's no way you're going to tell that dude where I live," I told her.

"Okay, I'm sorry about all this," was all she said and left.

And that was my night. The worst part was, I was pretty much sober the whole way through.

I don't have time to talk about the rest of the weekend but it was a lot better.

Some of my friends (mainly Tweezy and Big Time, who have been two of my best friends for over ten years now) feel that I could have a reality show about my life. I disagree about that but this was definitely a night that was worthy of one of those shows.

I typed this blog out in about 20 minutes so I couldn't get into it all but it was just like event after event and call after call kept the night going in a downward spiral. Then it all looked like it was gonna end on a high note only to be disappointed and go to sleep watching SportsCenter at 4 a.m.

The best part was that the next morning, the girl who I gave a ride home called me and said she lost her car keys and asked if I had them. I told her that she threw them in the car and locked the door. Smooth.