River Rats

Sometimes I just want to sock somebody in the jaw.

Sometimes I want to thank them for playing poker.

Sometimes I want to throw my hole cards at their face so they can pick them up and see that they were behind the whole way.

Sometimes I want to tell them that they're my favorite player at the table because they suck so bad.

It all depends on the river.

The motherfu*king river.

Yesterday, it was a king. Then a ten. They both ate me alive.

On Saturday, it was a spade. Then a queen. Me, for dinner.

"Hi, my name's Kevin and I'll be feeding the fish today."

Sometimes I feel the need to question my entire table.

"Why are you guys playing pots with me? The only way that you can beat me is to suck out on me. Do you feel good shoving your money in the pot with the worst hand?"

But I usually refrain from saying that and hope to take advantage of the other players.

Sometimes I feel like they KNOW they are going to have to suck out. Yet they still shove on me.

For example:

I've played about 15 hands. I'm up to $800 from a starting stack of $200. I raise on the button to $35. Small blind folds, big blind (Villain) thinks about calling. But then he says "Well, I've only seen you show one hand and it was a full house. You seem to hit everything." He wisely folds.

Fast forward about an hour. I have Ac7c suited and booted on the button. I raise to $15. The same Villain re-raises to $45. I know he has something but I'd love to hit the flush on his sorry ass and milk him. I call.

Flop: A-J-7. I like it. I know he doesn't have aces (I don't know how I know, I just know) and I know he doesn't have A-J because he wouldn't have re-raised with it. The only possible hand he could have me beat with is JJ.

He bets $45. This looks like a somewhat weak bet to me, although he didn't seem too scared. I think if he has JJ he tries to check-raise me. I'm hoping that he has AK or AQ because that's the money ball at the end of the rack.

I'm looking at this prick, studying his movements. Left eye is low. Staring at the TV. Shifting in his seat. Shuffling with his left hand. Fake cough. Yup, there it is.

I raise him to $145. His reaction is somewhat gaffled. I'm not sure if gaffled is a word but that's how he was. Gaffled.

He thinks about calling, but then puts in $250 more. I know he has AQ or AK at this point, probably AK and I happily call. Turn: Queen. River: King.

He triumphantly shows AK and another donk can tell his grand kids how he took down Killa Kev.

Yes, I thought about verbally assualting him, sending him a demoralizing array of insults that would have let him know how bad he was but instead I told him "Nice hand." Of course in my head I'm screaming "DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU WERE GOOD WITH TOP PAIR?! HAVE YOU SEEN ME RE-RAISE WITH ANYTHING THAT LOSES TO TOP PAIR?!"

I can only hope that he continues to play that way against me after acknowledging the fact that I've only shown down one hand and it was a full house.

Unfortunately he lost all of my chips and the rest of his to another player shortly thereafter and I will probably never see him again.

And so it is.

Everything boils down to that fifth card, which I am now giving the nick name the grim reaper. Because if you can't make it past the grim reaper, it really doesn't matter what you hold.

I'd love to flop the nuts but I've done that and I've still lost to the reaper. And how could this happen? I ask myself.

Well, some players just make deals with the reaper. I'm not sure if they sell their souls or promise him half the pot or what, but he seems to come through for them.

I am against the reaper. Although I love when he does help me out, I would rather just avoid him altogether.

So obviously I played this weekend. Two sessions for a whopping profit of $153. Normally, I'd be happy with the money but it was extremely painful this weekend. I played my best game, always got my money in good and lost three out of four monster pots to the reaper. Seriously, a 7-outer, a 3-outer, a 4-outer. All hitting like Barry Bonds. Just a difference of oh...$2500. Thanks a lot reaper.

I don't even think I'm playing against the players anymore. It's just me versus the reaper.

I will prevail.