Please, STFU. I'm not your friend.

Please, STFU.

Alright. I've been to Hollywood Park three out of the last four days. I've ran into a few people that I "know." Honestly, I don't even know any of there names but let's go through my encounters with them.

1. Brit Boy. Brit Boy is like the ultra cool guy. He has his designer shades on with his Ed Hardy hat and some tight-fitting t-shirt that is supposed to look real vintage. He has a thick accent and looks like he hasn't shaved in a week. Anyways, Brit Boy and I have played a lot together. We used to play the $100 together and now we play the $200 together. He thinks I’m a good player and he is always friendly to me in a non homosexual way (no homo).

So Brit Boy sits down directly on my right and acts like he's happy to see me. Immediately, I want to say "Brit Boy, please Shut The Fuck Up. Thanks."

But I'm nice to him. In front of the entire table Brit Boy says:

"So what do you want to do against each other? Check it down or go at it?"

Alright Brit Boy, now the whole table thinks I'm colluding with you and I don't even like you, dumb ass. So I tell him I don't care, whatever he wants to do.

"Okay, let's check it down if we're head's up." Says Brit Boy. Okay that's cool with me, whatever. Just shut the fuck up. Thanks.

Brit Boy, being the moron that he is, keeps showing me his hands, even when I still have a hand. He only does this when has horrible cards like 8-2 off suit or something. If anyone knows Brit Boy, please tell him that I don't give a fuck how bad his hands are. I could really care less. Now if you want to show me pocket aces, that's another thing. But I don't care about your 10-2 "Doyle Brunson." Just muck the cards and shut the fuck up.

Anyways everyone limps and the button raises pretty big. So Brit Boy, who limped, shows me 22 when I still have my cards. Someone at the end of the table protests and is mad because Brit Boy has been showing me his hand all the time.

So what does dumb ass Brit Boy say?

"Don't worry, he was going to fold anyways. He told me. He tapped me under the table."

What? Brit Boy, I did not tap you under the table. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

So this time, I actually tell Brit Boy not to say shit like that because I don't want people to think I'm cheating. So he understands and apologizes.

Now I'm in a hand and I flop two pair and bet big and of course Brit Boy calls and asks me if I'm going to check it down and I'm like yeah, I'll check it down.

So I check it down and the bastard called me with a gut-shot straight draw (although he didn't make it).

Fast forward about five hours and Brit Boy has his chips racked up and is going to leave once the big blind gets to him. Everyone limps on my big blind and I have Q-3. The flop comes Q-Q-9 and I bet. Brit Boy is the only caller. The turn is a 5 and I'm like "I check blind" because I'm thinking we're checking it down. So Brit Boy checks then the river is a rag and I check blind again. Brit Boy then smiles at me and bets $75. So I fold because I'm not a fucking idiot and Brit Boy shows me 5-5 and says "I was hoping you had a queen!"

What the fuck? So you've asked me to check it down with you because we're cool, then you try to milk me when you think I have a hand and you have a full boat?

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

If I ever see Brit Boy again I am raising every one of his blinds and check raising him until the wheels fall off. And I will see his punk ass again.

2. SC Breezy aka Ms. Tilt aka donkette aka I cracked your aces the first time we met biiaaaaatch. I'm not sure if anyone remembers and if anyone cares let me know and I'll post a link, but this is a chick who went to USC and the first time I ever played with her I cracked her aces with 6c9c. She berated me for about an hour after that while my homeboy was sitting on the other side of her trying to crack at her. Well the moral of the story is that I left with her chips and he left with her number and she later slept with him (later meaning the next night).

Anyways since that day she found out me and my boy aka her one night lover were cool so she started being cool with me despite the plethora of insults she tossed my way after I took her rockets down like a true champ would. She's also not bad, a solid free throw.

Anyways yesterday she ends up at my table and is sitting across the table. Fake Phil Ivey, who is another story for another day is sitting on my right. He takes like 450 off me when we get it all in pre-flop and he has aces and I have kings. Then he loses it all to some other fool and she of course moves to the seat directly on my right.

This chick is a moron. She is a tilt job waiting to happen so me being the nice guy that I am I handle her with baby gloves.

I'm on the button and everyone limps and she raises to $15. I know she has KJ or some weak shit like that. Pocket fives or something. I have AQ, I should have re-raised her but I'm being nice because she's nice to me and she let my friend have sex wit her.

So the floop comes 4-5-Q and EVERYONE checks to her and I try to give her that "Don't bet because I have a better hand then you biatch" look and she is oblivious.

So she bets $30 into like a $90 pot and I'm thinking I should be nice because she's pyscho so I simply call planning to check it down after that.

But no, the guy in the big blind also calls so now three of us are to the turn. The turn is an off-suit 3 and blind boy goes all-in for like $100. Tilt batch folds and I have to call and the asshole shows Q-3. Just for that extra kick in the face of me not re-raising her on the flop he hits another 3 on the river for the boat and I'm pissed at myself for not re-raising this weak chick.

She of course tells me I should have raised. Okay, that's your advice for me? Here's my advice for you: Shut. The. Fuck. Up. If I had raised her weak ass bet I guarantee she would have went on her tilt period and whined to me for three hours about me raising her pot. But I can only blame myself.

I hate friendly poker. More stories of course but I gotta get out of here.

There are now officially only two people that play the $200 or $400 with that I will not mercilessly assault to the felt. If you don't know who you are, then it's not you.

So yeah, if you can't tell by the tone of this post, I lost $200 last night after being up $600 until I ran my kings into aces. I suck.