Co-Ed Softball

Ever since I was like 11 years old all I ever wanted to do was chase girls and play sports.

Fast forward to the next millenium and what do I discover?

Co-ed softball.

Going into my first year of co-ed softball season I really didn't know what to expect. The girls on my team were all married and had kids or were plus-sized women so I really wasn't too excited about it.

No offense to the female race (they are not a gender, they are a race) but I quickly realized that the level of play would be dropping off significantly in this so-called "co-ed" league. Dribblers to the pitcher, hundreds of errors, slow pitch strikeouts, impossible double plays on 45-foot bases, you get the idea.

Then we had our first game against...the Diablos.

For anyone that read the story about Cowboy and Diablo, this is her team.

If I recall correctly (and I do), I quickly noticed her when she batted third on her team due to the 'two guys then one girl' lineup rule in co-ed softball.

She was wearing a small white Diablos t-shirt and some extra, extra, tight stretch-pants. Of course she has the inevitable batting stance where she's sticking her ass out.

I think me and Big Time both fell in love. She was pretty with a ridiculous body. Last time I checked, there's really not much more that a man needs. I think things have been updated and now men date men but I missed the memo completely.

In my first at-bat leading off the game, I made it a point to hit a double because she plays second base. I needed a closer look. I had to move in because I knew Big Time was lurking behind me in the on-deck circle, preparing to hit a double as well. It wasn't quite Sammy Sosa vs. Mark McGwire but it was a battle to see who could get to second for the tropy first. Whoever got their first would probably say something and then due to the guy code it was a wrap for the other one.



So I had to get to second. Right-centerfield was my target. They had a chick playing out there and it was prime doubles territory. If I hit it on the ground to right-center, I'm a guarantee to make it to second in front of her throw. If I hit in the air, she probably won't catch it and I'll just stop at second instead of going for the triple.

So on the first pitch I aim for right center and hit it in the air to right-center...perfect!! But...the ball...just...kept...going...over...the...fence.

Fuck. Home run.

I obviously ran the slowest home run trot ever known to man between first and third base and was very pleased to get a "nice hit" from Ms. Diablo. Solid response from the target, but not solid enough because that doesn't meet the requirements of the "whoever talks to her first" guy rule.

Lucky for me, Big Time sucks at softball and did not make it to second base.

However, neither of us managed to strike up any type of conversation that day and we were reduced to circling our next game against the Diablos and working on our doubles hitting techniques in the meantime.

We didn't have to wait that long as we ended up running into Ms. Diablo at Friday's the following week during lunch. I didn't even notice her in her business attire. She was looking so...grown. On the softball field she looked so cute and sexy in her stretch pants and tight shirt and girly baseball swing. Now she looked like she should be my manager in her business suit and make-up. This really threw me for a curve. She went from looking 19 and sexy to looking 30 and sexy. However, she actually spoke to me (it took me a minute to realize who it was) and from there it was a wrap. We dated, had our fun and we're still friends.

Ms. Diablo is behind me:


Since that time, my softball team has advanced from the 'B' league, where there are a lot of cute girls who have no idea how to play softball, to the 'A' league, where all of the girls are heavier than me and can dive to the right, backhand stab a short-hop straight off the ground, pop-up, whirl and throw a 75-MPH bullet to first base all in one motion...while weighing 250 lbs. Not to mention the pitching is five times better in the 'A' league.

Oh yeah, just to give you a general idea of how real Ms. Diablo is, the league commissioner changed the league rules just so he could get her on his team. The Diablos are in the 'B' league. The commish's team is in the 'A' league. I get an email from my team manager stating "Guys, players can now play in both the 'A' league and 'B' league. If you know of any girls (we are always short on girls) that play in the 'B' league and would like to play with us in the 'A' league, please let me know."

So the first thing I did was call Ms. Diablo and ask her if she wanted to play with us.

"No, I would but the commish already asked me to play for his team."

What a bastard. He obviously changed the entire league rules to get the finest chick on his squad. This is the exact reason why I want to manage a Hooters.

At this point there are two fine girls in the 'A' league. Ms. Diablo and some chick named Missy that plays for the best team. Missy's team consists of about four or five guys that all look the same. They all look like a 6'3" mix between Vanilla Ice and Travis Barker. They're tall, white and have tats everywhere. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that they all hit three home runs every game and mercy rule us consistently. It was very risky dealing with Missy because I could only assume that she was one of these guy's chick. Somehow, she wasn't. She played catcher and when I was at bat she started talking to me about how we have the same shoes. I didn't really care but this was an easy in and I got the number after the game. She turned out to be as dumb as her name and nothing ever happened. Plus their team got kicked out of the league for fighting. I feel sorry for the other team, I can only imagine the carnage that ensued. It would have been like a fight between Hell's Angels and the All State management team. I would put money that ambulances were required.

So last week we started the winter league and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the winter league combines all the teams from the 'A' and 'B' leagues. Sweet.

Our first game was against Extreme Heat last week. Wow. The 'B' league is clearly where it's at. Extreme Heat had about 30 players, including 11 chicks: five lay-ups, two bank shots, three free throws and one three-pointer.

I didn't even know what to do. Single? Double? Triple? Home run? They were everywhere.



The starting catcher was a cute latina chick. Two innings later and she was a cuter Asian.

I was seriously a bit perplexed by the whole situation. It was like they brought the club to my softball game. I didn't even have my good shorts on, was the ump going to deny me admission to the game for not meeting the dress code?

And the best part was that their team obviously sucked! So we whooped their asses although I was unable to initiate contact with the 'opposition'. It was too much at once. When there's one girl on the other team, it's easy to target her and come up with a solid game plane. Hit a double. Make fun of myself. Accidentally drop my mit when I run by her. It's easy. When there's two girls, it's easy also because one will clearly stand out or make eye contact or whatever. But six? I mean seriously, it took me until the fifth inning to even get an accurate count on how many good looking chicks were on the other team. They were rotating in and out and had friends there and it was just a mess to me, like one big softball orgy. I didn't want to come at the wrong chick and ruin my chances with the other ones.

I had no idea what to do.

So, all I could do was circle our future games against their team. Oh yeah I also circled all the games when Extreme Heat plays either before or after our team so that I can make sure to get to the game early or stay late.

Meanwhile, yesterday was our second game and what happens? My manager throws me a serious curve ball. I'm talking Pepsi Twist here. Remember Pepsi Twist? Yeah, my team manager brought it back yesterday.



Our team always has trouble finding chicks and somehow yesterday we got a new one and she's pretty cute. I can't try and holla at a teammate. It just doesn't seem right. It's like cousins doin it. So I'm just not going to talk to her. I mean this could potentially end up as a season-ending injury or it could send the squad down in flames. I just don't understand why he did it. He knows me, he knows my record with softball chicks is great and I can't believe he did this. If he had done it while we were playing all 'A' league teams I really wouldn't mind. But he had to do it when we finally got to play the 'B' league teams.

So my game plan is just don't say anything. High fives at the end of games and that's it. You play third, I'll play center. Just put your hands up when I'm throwing it to you. Take off on contact when there's two outs. Play hard and we'll get along, but don't talk to me or we'll get along too well.

Oh yeah, don't hate on me when we play Extreme Heat because it's going to go down.