I am Eugene Cheng, the Chinese Dirk

Another weekend with no poker. So for people reading this looking for poker results, insights, etc., my apologies.

Friday night I fell asleep at 10 p.m. How boring is that? I gave my roommate/best friend a ton of shit because he was going to the gym on a Friday night. I really believed in myself too when I was telling him he was a boring loser for doing nothing but go to the gym on Friday night. What kind of way is that to spend your Friday night? At that point in the night I was planning to go to like two bars, get drunk, meet tons of beautiful models, party like a rockstar, etc….but by the time he got home from the gym, I was sound asleep with the lights on and ESPN playing poker reruns.. I hate what a 40-hour work week does to me. I wake up early all week, work hard for eight hours a day, only to be worn out and fall asleep to start my weekend. Something needs to be done about this. Jobs need to offer free speed or at least red bulls at the end of every work week. I owe my boy Lamar an apology, we were meeting up at the bar and I never showed.

Saturday I woke up and went to my roommate's graduation from some business school program. This was even more boring then sleeping. Hard to believe that something can be more boring than sleeping but this took the cake. I showed up an hour late and got there while there was some forum-style discussion going on between the founders of the program, an old guy and another old guy. As soon as I got there I regretted being there, but I was there to support so I had to put my personal losses aside (and it was a big loss). I sat down and had the following text message conversation with my boy:

Me: Where’s the food? This guy is a square.
My boy: He is big time
Me: Is there any twerk?
My boy: No, you lost
Me: Who is the girl in the middle?
My boy: Some high schooler
Me: She keep starin at me
My boy: 17
Me: Nice
Me: This fool just fell on the stairs
My boy: Haha you killin me
(Someone in the crowd asks “What makes a company a good or bad stock investment?”)
Me: That was a dumb ass question
My boy: Yeah, I don’t know that guy
Me: How long until the food? When is your speech?
My boy: Soon, I’m not talking.
Me: Where’s the flaybeenie?
(Somewhat cute high school girl goes up on stage and gives a speech in broken English)
Me: Lol. Wtf. Spicy.

The worst part is that the old man next to me was looking at me crazy for text messaging during the ceremony...yet he was reading the L.A. Times the whole time. What an asshole.

Somehow the people running this program managed to drag the whole thing out for like 6.5 hours. How? I don’t know. We got out to eat lunch and this guy named John, who seemed to be a cool guy, tells me how the director of the program hates him because he crossed her when she was in a bad mood. Apparently, she’s sent him some nasty emails and had an attitude with him.

So when everyone is lining up to accept their diploma, they open the folder to show the diploma and take a picture with her. John opens his folder, gives a big smile and takes a picture…only there was no diploma in his folder. Not only does John feel like a dumbass, but he asks why he has no diploma. The director tells him he still owes the program $5. Yeah, five DOLLARS. So he offers to pay and she tells him that they are no longer accepting money. Honestly, I have to give John some credit. Because if I was him, at this point I would’ve started throwing one dollar bills on the program director like she was a stripper. However, he kept his composure and walked off with an empty folder. I can tell this is a very classy program.

After the graduation I made my debut in the all Chinese basketball league that takes place in Chinatown, Los Angeles. Somehow, I am playing as Eugene Cheng. Apparently Eugene broke his ankle before the season, so I am taking his place. They can't update the roster with a new player so I'm just playing with his name. I got to the game late due to the L.A. traffic and when I got there my team was down 3-16. I only know one guy on the team, and obviously they are horrible, so I came in and just put on my best Dirk impression (mind you I’m a giant at 6’0” in the Chinese league) and we pulled to within 43-42 before we blew it and lost. It feels good to draw a triple-team during a game…it lets me know that in certain leagues, I am Kobe Bryant. It’s a big boost to my ego. The box score is not up yet but I think I had 25 points in 30 minutes. Go to www.chineseballers.com for some good laughs. I will keep everyone posted on my secret life as Eugene Cheng.