Saturday was Cinco de Mayo, but more importantly, was the date of the highly anticipated boxing match between Oscar De La Hoya and Floyd Mayweather Jr. I had a few friends who were throwing BBQ’s and parties for the fight so it was tough to make a decision on where to go. One of my best friends, Tweezy, was having a BBQ at his house on Crenshaw. Some of my co-workers were having a BBQ at their house in Pasadena. And then my boy Frank was just having an open bar party in Studio City.
When weighing my options between these three spots, there are many things to consider so I will take you through the pros and cons of each spot:
1) Co-workers in Pasadena. Can’t think of any real advantages. It’d be fun to hang out with co-workers but at the same time I’ve never been a big fan of going out and getting drunk with co-workers. I’d rather not come to work on a Monday with people sending email chains around the office with my face maroon with the Asian glow that has become somewhat infamous. I’d love to say an advantage was free food, but they were making everyone put up money for the BBQ. Another disadvantage is that it’s in Pasadena, which is like a 45 minute drive with traffic. So this option was ruled out before it was even considered.
2) Tweezy’s house. Normally, I would go to Tweezy’s. He’s one of my best friends and we have been like brothers since we met our freshman year at USC. He always comes through with some good chicken and carne asada (although a questionable mix of chicken and tortillas with no sauce or condiments—just chicken and tortillas, a classic Tweezy dish) and in my opinion there’s no one better to watch a good fight with. Tweezy was planning on inviting some girls and a lot of other folks but he gave me late notice on Wednesday night about his BBQ. The best thing about being there is that it would definitely be more fun watching the fight and we’d probably go out to kick it afterwards, plus the food would be good and free.
3) Frank’s house. Now as much of a character Tweezy is, Frank has him and anyone else that I know beat. Frank could go to 7-11 to pick up some bottled water and come back with a story about how he got a flat tired, was picked up by a porn star and ended up in Vegas for a week hanging out with Jay-Z and Beyonce. And as crazy as his stories are, they are all truth. So when Frank says he’s having a party, something is guaranteed to go down. And the best part about Frank’s parties, are that they aren’t even really parties. They are really just low-key get-togethers. Like 20-25 people just hanging out getting drunk, smoking Mary, playing pool and actin a fool. Another thing about Frank, is that even though we aren’t best friends like I am with a lot of my other friends, we’re like cousins in the fact that he has my back no matter what and I have his. He’s having an open bar, might BBQ or order pizza and plans to have a limo picking up people from San Bernardino and Westwood to come to the party.
Saturday afternoon rolls around and T, M-Lee, and myself head to Frank’s around 4:30 P.M. Frank wanted us to get there around 3:30 so that we’d be there when the limo arrived with people, but that is just asking too much of me. I think I woke up at 2:30 p.m. on Saturday, so 3:30 just wasn’t happening. So we get there and there’s a random (really random) living room full of Abercrombie and Fitch’s. Frank is white, but to explain him in brief summary, he has every rap album ever released, had the Jordan Jumpman logo tattooed on his shoulder and has a brother that is training to be a boxer. So usually when I get to Frank’s house the normal cast of characters are boxers with cornrows, a few of his old frat brothers (white) and like seven hood rats/strippers (not hired strippers, but friends of Frank’s). So it was a little surprising to walk into Frank’s and feel like I had just entered an advertisement for Tommy Hilfiger. M-Lee, Tomo, and I played some pool just so I could reconfirm my position as the world’s worst pool player and then the first limo arrived.
Lucky for the party, the first limo came with like four girls and two guys. Overall, the girls were very average except for one. We’ll just call her J.Lo for obvious reasons (okay if you're an idiot she was a cute latina with a phenomenal rump). J.Lo was clearly the cream of the crop on this young Saturday evening.
The surprising thing was that one of the guy’s that got off the limo was my boy Earl, who I haven’t seen in a long time. So I’m catching up with Earl, talking about the last five years that we haven’t seen each other and the four before that, and he points to J.Lo and says “I’m going after her tonight, she’s coming back home with us so I know I’m good.” Apparently J.Lo is good friends with Earl’s roommate.
After about fifteen minutes after the limo arrival, it becomes very clear that J.Lo likes to be the life of the party. She’s flirting with nearly all the guys and loving the attention. Now my other boy, Jay, who is one of Frank’s old roommates, comes up to me and says “Damn, I want that ass.” I just laugh and agree and now I’m thinking something interesting could unfold. Jay is just one of those guys that is a savage beast at heart. He doesn’t even do it on purpose, but he just gets himself into all types of shit on his personality alone.
For instance, right now Jay is living with a girl he has no interest in but he managed to get her pregnant. So Jay wanted to do the right thing for the baby and bought a house with the mom and moved in with her. Little did Jay know, she is a crazy psycho and never lets him leave the house. I can only assume this is why Jay showed up to the party in house sweats and flip flops.
Anyways, Jay is talking to J.Lo for about five minutes and then they mysteriously head upstairs. Just to keep things relative, J.Lo has been at the party for about an hour.
Now I’m just walking around talking to my friends and waiting for the fight to come on. I go to the front of the house to make a phone call and like four guys are out there laughing and looking towards the house. So I go to see what’s going on and sure enough, Jay and J.Lo are in the upstairs bathroom grinding and doing whatever we can’t see through the window. At this point I think Jay is everyone’s hero. Not because everyone wants to be in the bathroom with J.Lo, but just because Jay does this type of stuff with no effort and no reservations. So obviously it’s going down in the bathroom and all of us are leaning to the left, leaning to the right, squiting our eyes, etc. just to see what's happening. If there are any females reading this, yes, this is how males act. Eventually J.Lo realizes we are outside watching and shuts the blinds. Smart move J.Ho (alert: nickname change).
As a sidenote: this is great news for all the single guys at the party. Often times there is always a slutty girl at a party, but when the 'slutty girl at the party' is the finest girl there, it's like the slot machine just hit jackpot. Obviously every guy is not going to hook up with her, but it does give every guy hope.
So the fight starts and Jay and J.Ho come back down, J.Ho heads straight to the downstairs bathroom to wash up. Jay has a smile on his face and lets us know that “Nothing happened,” while smiling uncontrollably. Sure Jay.
I forgot to mention that while we were outside staring at the window, two guys showed up with a platter full of cookies. One of them was wearing a suit, apparently he had just gotten off of work. He was a short guy and was so dressed up that my boy asked him if he was a caterer. He probably took offense but I think he felt like such an ass for showing up with a platter of cookies that he could only laugh at the remark.
So at this point of the night, everyone is getting somewhat drunk and mary jane has made her presence known, but no one has eaten anything at all. So we start going to work on the cookies that Suit Boy brought. We’re watching the beginning of the fight and J.Ho has found a good seat in between Earl and the Filipino boxer. Mayweather comes out with his somberero and 50 cent and things are about to get started.
Well, the fight was disappointing to say the least. Mayweather danced around the ring the whole fight and won $10 million off like three combinations and four solid punches in 12 rounds.
The good news was, we had a potential fight on our own hands when Jay not only threw J.Ho in the pool, but also decided to toss Eric in the Suit (aka Suit Boy) into the pool. J.Ho liked getting tossed in the pool (I think she just liked being wet), Suit Boy did not. Suit Boy had a nice suit on that was now drenched. As soon as he jumps out of the pool he starts asking “Who did that? Who threw me in the pool?!” Like he wants to fight. Jay comes up to him and says “That was me.” I should add that Jay is the size of an NFL fullback. Now Jay says he thought Suit Boy wanted to go in the pool and Suit Boy starts trying to laugh it off and acting like it was cool that Jay ruined his best suit and broke his cell phone. Not to mention Suit Boy had a bruise on his leg the size of my foot from hitting his leg on the pool. Unfortunately, Suit Boy bitched out and acted like it was all in good fun.
Now J.Ho is soaked (and she looks extra ready), she’s moved to the Jacuzzi and taken off her pants and is doing all kinds of stretching and standing up in the jacuzzi in her thong, etc., when the Filipino boxer tells her he has dry shorts in his car so he takes her to his car and they disappear for about an hour.
This is getting too long, it’s only like midnight at this point. I’ll finish tomorrow. (Oksana's witty conversations, Limo ride, J.Ho drinks too much, The Standard rejects us, and the Hobbit gets cussed out by the limo driver)...
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